It was a cold, Fucked Up night. Doctor Tranny and Lesbian Deborah Licked around the campfire, Whoring songs and eating Man Chowder.
Soon they got tired, climbed into their Gangs, and eventually fell asleep. Suddenly, they were both wide awake. There was a loud Retarded sound outside the tent. Lesbian Deborah grabbed Doctor Tranny‘s Fucking Dong and held on for dear life. Doctor Tranny started chanting, “Lions and Sexy Stews and Turds, oh my!” over and over again.
Then into their tent fell their friend Crotchety Rebecca. Crotchety Rebecca had been thirsty and had gone into the house for some Pee Pee. Now the Pee Pee was on the floor of their tent. But they all had a good laugh and went back to sleep.
It turned out to be a very Poo Soaked camping trip. And maybe next time they’ll even leave Lesbian Deborah‘s backyard.
Gerald “The Entertainer” had everything a(n) Assless Donkey could ask for. He had Fucking Horrible food, a big, Insanely Retarded bed, and the “Mother Fucking” Apel family to look after him.
One morning Gerald “The Entertainer” woke up. “I’m hungry!” he said. He went down to the The Shitter but everyone in the “Mother Fucking” Apel family was still asleep. “I guess I’ll have to find my own breakfast,” he said.
Gerald “The Entertainer” went outside and Screwed down the street. On the sidewalk, he saw a(n) Incredibly Smelly Dump. “Gulp!” Down went the Dump. “Not bad!” said Gerald “The Entertainer”.
Next, Gerald “The Entertainer” headed for the park. There he found a pair of Tits just sitting on a bench. “Gulp! Gulp.” Down went the Tits. “Mmmm, Heinous!” said Gerald “The Entertainer”.
Gerald “The Entertainer” was feeling very Skanky as he skipped over to a video store. There he saw some tasty video games. “Gulp! Gulp! Gulp!” Gerald “The Entertainer” swallowed Goddam Kirby’s Adventure and That Pile of Shit E.T. Atari Game whole.
“MOTHER FUCKER!! It must be time to go home,” said Gerald “The Entertainer”. He Whored back home and up the stairs to his Insanely Retarded bed.
“Breakfast! Time for breakfast, Gerald “The Entertainer”!” called Mrs. “Mother Fucking” Apel.
“I don’t feel very well,” groaned Gerald “The Entertainer”. “It must have been those Cow Dung I ate for supper last night.” Burp!
The doorbell rang. Android Gary and Salamander Natalie raced to the door. There on the doorstep was an enormous, Ass Licking box. What could be inside? They Swimmingly Boned Down the box into the S&M Nursery. Salamander Natalie Hidiously put her Deformed Taint close to the box. She thought she heard a voice whisper, “HORSE PEE PEE!!”
“Hurry. Open the box!” screamed Android Gary. To their amazement, Gerald McRaney leaped out of the box and started singing “I Want a New Duck.” There was nothing else to do but sing along.
Every year my town, Ralph “The Body” Apelville hosts the Fall Festival of Dung-Filled Pumpkins. It’s a really fun time. Everyone comes to the Naked Nancy Sinatra Park to play games, eat delicious food, see all the animals, and Fuck in the last of the Tom-Foolery weather. My favorite booth is the one that serves fried Vaginas on a stick!
This year, the Festival was extra special because there was a surprise guest; Pablo Mother Fucking Cruise came to play on the Ralph “The Body” Apelville Stage! It was the best concert ever. While Pablo Mother Fucking Cruise played, One Goddamn Billion Farting Hyena sang along. But that wasn’t half as amazing as the fact that the Farting Hyena sang better than Pablo Mother Fucking Cruise. At the awards ceremony that evening, all of the Farting Hyena won blue ribbons for their singing. It was the best Fall Festival ever!
The Shitty Beatles came to do a concert in Ralph “The Body” Apelville once, and the band liked it so much they never left. Now every Memorial Day night, all the people who live in Ralph “The Body” Apelville put on their Butt Fucking, Pee Green Pube Filled Condom and walk their Five Legged Donkey to the town square. Then they sit on the grass, listen to The Shitty Beatles play Hard Core Gangsta Smooth Jazz music, and eat Apple Pie A La Choad.
No one has to go to school in Ralph “The Body” Apelville unless they want to. Of course, everybody wants to because Ke$ha Knight Pulliam and Gunther Toody are two of the teachers. Ke$ha Knight Pulliam teaches Mother Fucking Math and Gunther Toody teaches Grave Digging.
One day Ke$ha Knight Pulliam said to Gunther Toody, “Maybe we should take the students on a field trip.”
“That’s a Spunky idea, Ke$ha Knight Pulliam ,” said Gunther Toody. “Let’s take them to the most fun place we can think of.”
“But that would be Ralph “The Body” Apelville,” said Ke$ha Knight Pulliam .
“You’re right!” Gunther Toody exclaimed. “Call off the field trip! We’re already here!”
Hooray! Summer is finally here, and that means we can go to the beach! Today, my family is going to Shittsbergh Beach, and I can bring a friend with me. I decide to invite my best friend Cameltoe Deborah . I know Cameltoe Deborah will want to go with us. She thinks going to the beach is Butt Sexting!
We start our beach day by watching the sunrise, and then eating breakfast at Uncle Chris Fucking Cringle‘s Pancake Hut. I always get a Pile of Cat Piss flavored pancakes.
After breakfast we Bang the waves, go Street Fighting for seashells, and Dry Hump a sandcastle. Then we eat the lunch we packed for the beach. It’s my favorite—Moldy Sourdough Toast sandwiches. The only time Moldy Sourdough Toast sandwiches are not so Shitty is when you drop them in the sand.
By Nine Fucking Thirty, everyone’s had enough of the beach. But Shittsbergh Beach is fun at night, too! There is a really Retarded boardwalk. It’s always crowded with people. Would you believe we saw my teacher Mrs. Shemale there, eating a huge banana split?
There are a lot of cool shops on the boardwalk. You can get a little hermit Hairless Donkey, but make sure your mom and dad say it’s okay! My favorite store is the jewelry store. Cameltoe Deborah and I each buy a rope bracelet that will Fuck when it gets wet. Pretty Hideously Deformed!
By 8:00, we’re all ready to head home. I usually fall asleep on the ride home. I can’t wait to go to Shittsbergh Beach again.
February 18th, 19 fucking 77, Shittzburg—What was supposed to be a routine apple-picking trip turned into something much more. Ralph “The Body” Apel and Dumpster Pete went to Larry “Buster” Crabbe‘s farm to pick apples. This was a funny sort of farm! To get to the orchard, they rode on The Diarrhea Mobile driven by Jason from Superman Returns! Ralph “The Body” Apel and Dumpster Pete went about picking their apples, and they filled two big bags with the most Pee Pee Yellow apples they had ever seen.
Suddenly, Hal mother fucking Holbrook happened to ride by on a Unicorn with Turd for a Horn and offered to turn the apples into a delicious pie, right there in the orchard. Ralph “The Body” Apel and Dumpster Pete didn’t believe that this was possible, but they agreed. Hal mother fucking Holbrook told them to close their eyes, and before they knew it, the apples were steaming, hot apple pies. Ralph “The Body” Apel and Dumpster Pete couldn’t believe their eyes! They were so amazed, they ran home and called By-Curious Quarterly. When Larry “Buster” Crabbe was contacted about this matter, a reporter was informed that this “miracle” was “just a really Butt Fucking practical joke”!